About time

I decided to sit down this morning and update my blog, that I have been neglecting for a while. I would say it is because of time, but that is an awful excuse to use that I have been using for a lot of things lately including the state of our house, the state of my body, and the state of my classroom. At least the state of my marriage is going great...Nathan and I have a way of wasting time together. But I love cuddling on the couch with my Natedogg, except it would be nice to cuddle on the couch in a clean, renovated house, with a healthy body and not worrying about all the grading and things I have to do at school. So in order to be in a better place, I have decided to start my New Years Resolution a little early...the great majority of the cookies are out of the house so that is one step closer to a healthy body. We are working on the dining room over break. That is our Christmas gift to each other. So there is one step closer to a house that is not a renovation zone. Laundry is washing and the kitchen is clean so there is one step closer to a clean house.

I am excited about starting a new year. It has been 27 weeks since I got my first lupron shot so it should be wearing off in the next 2 months...I hope so. It seems to be cycling through because some days I will be hot flash free and sleep through the night, other days, like the last week I am still waking up sweating and hot as hell. It is a suffocating heat...now I can empathsize with all women going through menopause...it is an awful feeling. I have been very emotional lately also so that leads me to believe that my hormones are trying to get started up again. Funny how I spent a year wishing that I would not get my period, and now I can't wait until it starts again, so we officially start trying again and get on with whatever is going to happen.

It does seem that everyone around me is having babies. My siser-in-law is pregnant with twins. I am very excited about being an aunt again. She seems to be very cautious about what she says about being pregnant around me which is empathic of her and my brother. I am envious of their situation,but I am more happy for them. On the other hand, a teacher at work is pregnant and often uses the line "you just need to relax and it will happen" That line just makes me want to scream. No matter how much I relax...it may not happen. I have a disease that causes infertility, so no..no matter how much I relax it may not happen. So when I came home last week from school I was in a poopy mood. It is hard to listen to pregnancy talk all day from someone who is not in a healthly relationship and oh it just happened. I am really trying to be happy for her, however she has a lot of struggles ahead of her and I hope and pray that things work out for the best for her and her child.

One of our friends is also expecting. I am excited about also, because they are such great people and will be awesome parents. They are a bit unconventional and I can't wait to watch them raise their children, it will be awesome.

We have been talking about adoption, but I know that if I am unable to get pregnant it will be hard to get through it, until I am actually holding our child in my arms, rather I give birth to a baby or not.

We broke down and brought a treadmill. Not a fancy one, but one we could afford from Sears. We knew that either I had to join the gym again which is 25 miles away or something. So we did a little number crunching and with the deal we got from Sears it would be less expensive to buy a treadmill even if it only last a year than it would be to get the gym membership that I would have to drive 50 miles round trip too. I really don't know why I have never bought one. During my marathon training, the treadmill at the gym has always been the main reason I went to the gym. I am very excited about running again and getting in shape. I know that changing my eating habits is necessary also. I eat better and feel better when I am exercising. Everything should start clicking again when I can start running again. Hard to run outside with 2 feet of snow and ice on the roads and sidewalks. Treadmill is suppose to be here Jan. 7th...I can't wait.

Today I am going to head to Lowe's to get some more plaster and paint for our dining room table. Then, to work on the dining room and tonite I am going to do some scrap-booking. Amy and I did some cricuting yesterday...it was nice doing something with her. Hopefully in the future we will live closer to each other and then be able to grow closer in our relationship.

Been a while

I know that it has been a while since I have updated so I am going to take a little time today.

As far as fertility stuff...my doctor called yesterday and we have set up an appointment for my Hysterosonogram for November 6th. This will allow the doctor to see if there is any blockage in my fallopian tubes. I have heard that many women get pregnant within several cycles after this procedure because they think that the dye may clean out the tubes a little. I am still bothered by hot flashes from my lupron therapy...they are not as frequent now however when they hit they are almost suffocating with lots of sweating. I am sleeping better, but not completely through the night yet. Restless sleep has made me very tired during the day. I feel good until about 2pm then the tired wall hits. I am hoping that by Christmas my body will get back on track and we can TTC with actually hopes of it working. We have been talking a lot about all of our options if things don't work out the way we hope...We are not going to go as far as in-vitro because of the cost and the disappointment of it not working. We have decided that if I am not pregnant within the next year and a half we will start putting our money away for adoption. We are thinking about international adoption.

Nathan and I have been very busy with work and school and we are looking forward to the trip to Mexico where we can spend some much needed time relaxing and hanging with family. Nathan has been missing his family like crazy lately being very overwhelmed with school and working full-time. He has 6 more weeks of school which I hope fly by and then he can have a break over the holidays. I have found out that I am only 1 course and 6 credits of practical experience away from being able to get certified in administration and supervision. My requirements will be complete spring 2011 the same time Nathan graduates and gets his teaching certification. I am going to apply to assistant principal jobs down state (because that is where the money is and where the jobs are). If I get a job we will be moving in that direction summer 2011 if not then we will probably stay up here in the mountains as long as Nathan can get a teaching job, which I think is a good chance especially being a male in special education, and save some money and keep applying to admin jobs down state. Either way will be able to pay down some debt and save some money for our "forever home".

Our house is still in the renovation process. We were hoping that we would be flooring ready by December but that is not going to happen. I work on the house when I can. It seems like we never get anything done but little things are adding up and before pictures really show the work we have done, even though we only seem to focus on the work that we have yet to do.

I am looking forward to the holidays...this is my favorite time of year. My dad and I are going to get the decorations out this weekend because they are in the Holiday open house and because he doesn't want to freeze his hands off putting up lights in late November. My niece is coming up this weekend to trick or treat for the first time and i am very excited she is such a little sweetheart. My sister-in-law is expecting twins and I am kind of hoping for two boys so that Chloe can be the big sister and the only daddy's girl, but knowing the amount of girls in my sil's family who knows.

I have made the decision to go back to weightwatchers. I start this Saturday at the meeting in Cumberland. I have been trying to lose weight on my own, however I just can't seem to do it. The only time I lost weight in a healthy way was when I was in weightwatchers before and attended meetings. I was using the excuse of cost, however it was just an excuse because the cost we will save in food and the need for new "fat girl" clothes from me doing weightwatchers is probably greater then the cost of meetings...in fact I know that it is. I have new running shoes and I have been trying to get out and run, but it has been raining like crazy. I am going to see if I can take the YOGA classes at the Y that are offered after the ww meetings on Saturday mornings so it would be very convenient.

Half way done and we have a plan

I haven't been blogging in a while, so I decided I needed to come and update everyone. I will start with my lupron and onto what is happening in the other parts of our lives.

This past Monday I received my second and last lupron shot. I was very hesitate about the shot again with the side effects I have been experiencing, but I decided that I needed to finish out this therapy so that we can move on to having children. The hot flashes have not subsided, but for now I have been sleeping a little better with only waking up to hot flashes and then I am able to get back to sleep. I have a feeling that this will not be the case in a few weeks, but until then I am trying to get as much sleep as possible. I am glad to be on the downhill of this medicine and I asked my gyn what the next plan was and he said scheduled me for a HSG in 2.5months to make sure my tubes were clear and blood work in 3.5 months to test for Follicle stimulating hormone to make sure that my ovaries are getting back on track. He said that he wants me pregnant within 6 to 9 months from today (meaning Monday).

Pretty much miserable

I have officially been on lupron for 2 months now. For the last six weeks I have had terrible hot flashes which has lead to insomnia and I have been pretty miserable. I sleep for about 3 to 4 hours and then I am up every 30 minutes...on fire. The routine is that I have a hot flash which wakes me up, I cool down, I get chills because of the sweating and then I pull the blanket back on me and try to relax my way back to sleep and then the cycle starts over again. It is now 6am and I am awake not because I am really awake, but because I am tired of fighting sleeping.

The new drugs that my doctor prescribed did not help the problem and they actually added on a new side effect of headaches. When I take the medicine I deal with not only being hot but I have to endure a headache most of the night. I gave the medicine one week and I can not deal with the extra side effects since the sleeping has not gotten better.

On a good note...I have been getting into scrapbooking. I am almost done adding pictures to my wedding scrapbook and I have completed a scrapbook for a friend. I am working on another scrap book for a friend that is getting married. My parents got me a cricut cutter as an early birthday gift...and it is awesome. I am finding that once you start with the basic things you want to be able to do more and more means more money. The cricut is a cool machine, however it is an expensive toy. I am thinking of starting to make cards and maybe selling them at this local arts and crafts place where my mom has her quilts. Even at $1 a piece I would be making a little money and I would be able to put it toward more stuff for my scrapbooking.

Today our neice for Colorado is coming to visit for the week and we are very excited about having her. She is 9 and has never been in the northeast, so we have a lot of things planned. I am hoping to be able to stay in DC after we pick her up from the airport, but if it is sweltering hot then we are just going to head back up the mountains. The heat makes for a miserable day in DC.

Sweating...

Lupron Week 6... I actually got some sleep when I was on vacation at the beach last week. I think a combination of a/c and alcohol allowed me to sleep through most of the hot flashes and sweats. Too bad we had to come back home. The kicker is it isn't even that hot at nite at home, however our bedroom is a sauna. So last night was a terrible nite for sleeping. I got in bed early so that I could read and I sipped on a glass of sleepy time tea with ice in it of course. I started drifting off around 9:30pm so I decided to turn the light off and get some sleep. Well that didn't last long. The first time I looked at my watch it was 12:30am...and of course I am drenched in sweat and burning up from the inside out. Since I was wide awake and en fuego I decided to go downstairs and watch a little TV until I could fall asleep again...stepping out of the bedroom there is quite a temperature drop and as I was walking down the stairs I could feel the cool air. So the living room is way cooler...I opened out another window and there is actually a breeze. So I laid on the couch and watched some TV...The Nanny has become my show of choice in the wee hours of the morning. Around 2am I think that I can go up to our bedroom. That didn't last long it was way hot or I was way hot and the dogs were incredibly smelly, who knows what Jackson got in to, so I went back downstairs and got a small bowl of cereal and laid back down on the sofa. Finally sometime around 3am I fell asleep. Woke up for good around 5:30am...sweating of course.

I may have to give my doctor a call because I know that once school starts I have to be on my toes. Getting little sleep is not going to cut it. I would hate to break down in my classroom because I am tired and emotional.

I started running again on Sunday. It is quite the struggle, but at least I am getting out there. Nathan has been running with me when he isn't at work. He is being very patient about the slow pace and sometimes having to walk. I am taking this losing weight and getting back into shape thing one day at a time and so far that past 2 days haven't been that bad. I am taking recipes from Julian Michaels' book. There are some good ones and some that we can't get the ingredients. I am switched back to my 1 cup of cereal in the morning with fruit instead of competing with Nathan with eggs and pancakes. I really want to loose some weight for Mexico in November. I got a really cool new swimsuit at the beach because it was really on sale and I want it to look good and well fit in Playa del Carmen. The amount of weight that I have gained in the last year is out of control. I use to be able to consider myself healthy and in shape and I have let all that go. So one day at a time, it took me a year to get this way and I have to get it through my head that it is going to take at least that long to get back to where I would like to be. I planning on running the Shamrock Marathon in March 2010, so I have to get my mileage up to 25 miles a week before I can start the training.

Work on the house has been going well. We are know trying to get the master bathroom complete. It has had some kinks along the way. I finally thought we were getting somewhere and the paint on the ceiling started peeling, just along the edges. Once we started trying to fix that, it started coming off in sheets. So we are removing the paint off the entire ceiling and we are going to have to prime and paint without harming the countertop and walls so this is going to be a slow careful project.

En Fuego = Insomnia

Loopy Lupron Day 22

Sometimes it is hard to tell if I am having side effects or if these things have always been and I am just noticing them more. The one time of day that I can tell I am having side effects is at night. I am normally a good sleeper at nite, even in the summer when it is hot and we don't have ac. However, for about a week now I have been having night sweats and waking up. All I can say about hot flashes is it feels like your body goes from normal to on fire instantly. Also with this heating up comes sweating. So I have been waking up hot and soaking wet. I am not waking up groggy, I am actually wide awake when this happens. On Friday nite I woke up at 2:30am hot, wet, and wide awake. It seemed no matter how much I tried to cool down, I felt like our room was a sauna. I decided that I had to get up, so I went down stairs with my pillow, my book, and turned on the tv. By 3:30am I was cooled off and ready to go back to bed. I managed to sleep until 5ish until another hot flash woke me up, luckily this was short lived so I fell back asleep until 7am. This has been happening for about a week and I hope that I don't have to go 6 months like this. I haven't felt tired during the day, but I know that evidently fatigue will catch up. Now it is ok to be a little tired but when I am working it may be rough, middle school students are not that forgiving nor understanding. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Nathan started his new job last Wednesday and so far so good. He seems to like it. Nathan says time goes fast, so that is good. He hasn't had to work any over nites so that is so much better than his last job. They said that he will probably only work 1 to 2 over nites a week so that is good for when he starts school and it is also good for his well-being. His new schedule has allowed us to work on the house and actually start getting things done. We have stained and installed our bar cabinet and hardy backer for the tiling. I have created a mosaic tile design and I am now working on getting the design laid and then we can set in the sink. Our next step for the family room is going to be hanging the tv and shelving and moving in the furniture. Our goal is to have that done today.

Camping Trip #1

Had a great weekend with my brother and cousins' families camping. Kind of nervous about the little ones but everyone had a great time. The kids slept through the nite, probably better than the adults. Funny had little bodies can sleep just about any where. Great weather for camping. Hot dogs and smores over the campfire and we were able to spend the day on the beach by the lake going swimming and playing bean bag toss. Could not have been a better camping weekend.

Lupron Day 6 - So far so good. I haven't had any major side effects. I have had a few anxious/out of it episodes, but it hasn't been that bad. As long as I get good sleep, I feel fine. I have had a few cramps in my legs almost felt like they do before I get my period, but they went away. I am hoping that the first week is a good indicator of how the next 6 months are going to go.

Loopy Lupron Day 1

So today I go into menopause. I think my dr. would say..."it isn't menopause we are just lowering your estrogen to the level of menopause"...and I would say..."So what is the difference????" The injection was given in my left hip. So far nothing that I can feel...which is good. Hope that it stays that way for the next 6 months. The injection is time release shot for 3 months and then I have another one September 14th. Doesn't seem like that is 3 months from now but I guess it is 12 weeks from today.

The doctor also did a bone density test today and my bone density is very good. Which is good because one of the side effects of lupron is lowering of bone density, but since mine is very good to begin with lowering it should not be too drastic.

I came home and took a nap. The stress of starting this whole process is tiring. When I woke up Nathan and I went for a walk with the dogs. I haven't been able to do much since the surgery, but I felt like I wanted to get out and walk and I am glad that i did. We walked the dogs slowly but surely down to the park and around the walking track and let them get in the river to cool off. We ended up walking for 1.5 hours, which may be a little much. I am hoping it will help me sleep better and it is the first step, even though a baby step, to training for a marathon. I am starting my training on July 22 which is 6 weeks after my surgery...I am actually looking forward to it.

More than I thought

The more women I talk to, the less scary this whole process becomes. I am still sad about having to wait a year to ttc but I know that this may be what I need to get things healthy and be able to conceive when the therapy is over. The women that I have talked to say the worst part is the hot flashes and mood changes. I can deal with that if it means that we will have a better chance at having a child. I have spoken to 4 women that have been on the therapy and they all said the benefits out way the side effects...and you just have to keep thinking about the reason you are doing this...to bring a new life into this world.

I got my bloodwork done yesterday...progesterone, estrodial, and hcg. I picked up the lupron injection on Thursday, it is the 3 month injection 11.25mg. I am kind of nervous about having the 3 month because the drug will be in my system for 3 months and not month to month. I wish I would have known about the month to month when I was in the dr's office so I could have asked about it. Since this shot is $1700.00 I don't think my insurance will allow me to change my mind now. I will just have to be vigilant about my symptoms so they don't reach anything severe.

I have also started my vitamin D booster. Took the first one on Thursday and I am taking calcium and pre-natals...so if my levels don't go up I there most be something crazy wrong.

I have decided I am going to train for the Shamrock Marathon that will be March 2010. Part of this getting my health in order is going to include getting my fitness back. I think the running will keep my spirits up also, runner's high might be able to counteract the lows of the therapy. I have to wait 6 weeks from the time of my surgery to start running again so the training will start July 22. I am going to make a training schedule and I might be able to convince a friend to join me. My brother has already signed up for the marathon so it will be a family affair at least.

I am going to work on my chair today that I am re-doing with the help of my mom and Nathan. About a year again a neighbor that is redoing there old home put two old chairs out on their porch and I asked if they were trying to get rid of them and they said yes...so I took them. I tore apart the chairs down to their wood skeletons when I got the chairs and they have been sitting on our side porch since then. Well my mom and I finally decided to get them done and we are on our way.

Prognosis IF

Yesterday was the post surgery appointment with my gyn. I was anxious about the appointment and really wanted to know what he had found, what he did during the surgery, and the plan for getting us pregnant.

I first went back into the office by myself because we weren't sure what was going to be done and Nathan wasn't sure if he wanted to be there if there was anything gyn-like. The nurse had me remove the tape over the incisions, which included one through my belly button and two very small ones just below the bikini line. The dr came in and looked over my incisions and said everything looked fine and just not to pick or prod on them...not a problem, I want them to heal.

The dr then had the nurse go out and get Nathan and I am sure glad they did. The doctor first went through all the pictures of the surgery from the video that was taken through my belly and in my uterus. I got to see my stomach, liver, pancreas, intestine large and small. In those pics he showed us the outside of my uterus and both ovaries. Endometrial tissue was on the outside of my uterus and both ovaries. He was able to laser off the scarred tissue. He also showed me the mass that was over my right ovary. The mass was a fibroid tumor about 3x the size of my ovary. The tumor was resting on my right ovary, so they removed the tumor and extracted it through my belly button. Nathan and I were really surprised about the size of the tumor. He then showed inside the uterus where there were 3 other fibroid tumors. These tumor were in the uterus and were not blocking the cervix, womb, or fallopian tubes so he did not remove them. He also removed some endometriosis in the uterus.

My vitamin D bloodwork showed a level of 16...normal is 32 to 100...50 is good. So I am very low. Vitamin D deficiency is linked to infertility and endometriosis.

So what does this all mean...well the dr prescribe vitamin D boosters for 10 weeks that will hopefully get my levels where they should be. I also have to take calcium supplements and continue with my prenatal vitamins. The dr also wants to do a round of Lupron Depot Therapy. This drug is prescribed to lower estrogen levels to premenopausal state to shrink fibroids and endometriosis. Endometriosis and fibroids are in essence fed by estrogen. This is a 6 month therapy with 3 injections. At this time I will not be able to conceive and will possibly stop having my period. After the therapy the body takes between 1 to 3 months to get back on cycle. The side effects of this therapy are hot flashes, mood swings, depression, loss of sex drive, vaginal dryness...in general as if you are going through a rough menopause. I have read other symptoms but those are the ones that are on the drug fact sheet.

This news was quite a shock and I was not prepared for it at all. I actually started crying right there in the dr's office. The thought of having to put off conceiving for another year is heartbreaking. I know that women have gone even longer, but I have so many what if's in my mind I don't even know where to start. I am unsure about the therapy but my dr put it this way...1 out of 3 women with endo are infertile, 2 out of 3 have miscarriages...if you do not do the therapy and do conceive and have a miscarriage you may look back and think why didn't I do the therapy when I knew that m/c was a possibility...also what if we do not do the therapy and try for another year and still do not conceive are we back to where we started with more endo coming back and even perhaps more fibroids or growing fibroids. But there is the flipside that gets me all upset...what if we don't do the therapy start ttc again and get pregnant and everything is fine...why can't we see into the future...I could go through this and still not conceive.

I was so upset last nite and it seemed that I couldn't find anything good about lupron on the internet...but I do realize that most people who post things on the web have bad experiences. I did not upset with Nathan because he seemed to be concerned about the low sex drive thing...I mean here I am being told I have fertility issues and Nathan was worried about having sex. I did express my concern to him and once he realized how upset this was making me he apologized. This is going to be the first hurdle in our married life that is going to go on just between the two of us. It isn't something you can plan for and you can't even plan for what the therapy may do.

Silver linings: Here are some silver linings for waiting a year before ttc:

• Nathan will be done with school and have a full-time job by the time our little one is born
• We can work on our house and get it done before bringing in a new life
• I can get back into shape and get healthy and fit again before getting pregnant to be able to pass on a healthy life style

I am trying to grasp-on to the silver linings. I am still young enough that waiting a year will be ok. I am worried about the side effects of therapy and of course our ability to conceive. I am going to post my feelings and thoughts through this process in hopes that it will help someone else going through the same thing and of course help me.

Endo surgery

The weather last nite reminded me of camping. It just seems that whenever we go camping it storms. Nathan was at work so I was huddled in bed with the dogs, Jackson and Cash. We are able to keep out windows open because we have old aluminum awnings that keep the rain out. They may be ugly but they at least serve a function.

So my surgery was on June 9, 2009. I was actually very excited about having the surgery...thinking that it was going to be a cleaning procedure so that we could get back to ttc and actually conceive. The procedure started at 7:30am and I was in post-op by 10:30, eating a rootbeer popsicle. I was worried about the anesthesia because I often experience nausa. The took me up to recovery and Nathan was there to meet me. The doctor had spoken to Nathan,, but he didn't catch everything that he said and the details were sketchy. We stayed in recovery until 2ish and then I was allowed to go home and thank goodness. The ride home was the worst part of the experience. I was extremely motion sick and just wanted to get home. I spent 3 days on the couch...Nathan was a big help. The pain wasn't nearly as bad as I had heard it could be. My doctor called on Wednesday and wanted me to go in and get blood work for vitamin D. My second attempt to give blood was on Friday morning, my dad drove me into Cumberland.

I was up and moving about by Friday with just moderate soreness and pain when I moved a certain way, sneezed, or coughed.

Virgin Blogger

This is my first entry so lets see how this goes. I was sitting watch a Civil documentary today with my summer Upward Bound students and it actually made me want to start a blog. Why? Well because most of the information we have from our history is written accounts from regular people. Journals, diaries, and letters, that have opened the past up. So I want to stake my claim in history and write down my accounts of my life. This may not be as interesting as the Civil War, but it sure is getting more interesting by the moment and maybe my accounts will open eyes or hearts or who knows...

I also want to do this as a way to write an account of our journey from two to three or four or... well you get the picture. This process of trying to conceive (ttc) has been eye opening to say the least. I will venture into some background and get into more detail a little later...My husband (DH) and I got married September 6, 2008. We had been ttc since that July 2008 just kind of taking our chance and seeing what happened. By October 2008 since 3 cycles and no luck I decided to seek out some knowledge and commiseration. I found TheBump and fell way hard into TTC. I began charting basal body temperature and other fertility signs. 6 cycles go by and I have my annual gyn appointment. I had to switch doctors due to my old doctor leaving or losing her practice. I am not sure which one and I am not sure I want to know. One of my girlfriends recommended a gyn that was aggressive and had been very helpful for her so I decided to go with that dr.

My annual turned into one of the most stressful appointments I have even had. I was so overwhelmed when I left the appointment. So many questions that I didn't even know which ones to ask. My gyn had found by internal ultrasound 3 masses in my uterus and one either on or in my right ovary. He was also concerned with my severe cramps and our inability to conceive. So he scheduled a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, cytoscopy, and D&C. These procedures were to diagnose endometriosis and fibroid tumors. The surgery was scheduled for June 9, 2008.

The thunder and lightning is shutting me down for the nite...catcha later