Life Gives You Lemonades

Infamous temp drop

2011-03-17T05:56:00.003-04:00

This was our last cycle of drugs, blood test, and all the other things fertility related, it should I say infertility related. We have decided for our sanity, mostly my sanity that we are taking a break to concentrate on the next step of our lives that should include new jobs and a new home and perhaps a new body. I have started weightwatchers again and hopefully I will have the will power to journal everyday and start to exercise. I have been working on my spiritual well being by taking part in UMW, teaching Sunday school and going to church. Now it is time to concentrate on mind, body, and soul.

Nathan and I will be attending the educational consortium for Maryland. I hope that we are able to get jobs in the same county or at the very least I hope we get jobs.

Up until now

2011-02-19T07:20:00.001-05:00

May 27th was my annual gyn appointment and also my “fertility” conference to set up a plan for getting pregnant. I was very disappointed when my Dr. said that he wanted to do 3 more natural cycles because natural is best and my greatest window of fertility will be during the first 6 months after my period starts after the lupron. I thought maybe he would suggest clomid or at the least to monitor my cycles for hormones, ovulation, and such. However all he said was to “Relax” ugh that is not was I wanted to hear…actually he said that he sees obese women who smoke, drink, and don’t take care of their bodies getting pregnant all the time and this is because they do not think about their bodies at all. I have to wonder if the stress I put on my body by thinking about getting pregnant is worse than the stress they put on their bodies by being unhealthy. Also how I’m I suppose to not think about it when every morning at 5am I have to take my temperature and record it. I start my day with thinking about it.

He did mention the expense of out of pocket fertility treatments and I know that they money really isn’t there for such an expense but I guess I wanted something more than “Relax”.

Nathan and I did get to spend the weekend together for his birthday. We went to Savage River Forest and went camping. It was very nice, just sitting by the fire, reading and taking walks. Nathan turned 29 with a Happy Birthday Smore. His last year in his 20’s. Mom and dad came out on Friday nite for hotdogs and marshmallows and we managed to dodge the rain and storms that we could hear but did not make it to the valley. We hope to go camping a few other times this summer and even talked about a cross country camping trip next summer to Colorado. We realized this would take a lot of planning especially with 2 dogs and perhaps and baby (you never know…I am trying really hard to be relaxed)

School ended on June 8th . I was very ready for the end of the school year and so were my students. We had 2 weeks between testing and the last day so that wasn’t so bad but it seemed to drag on.

We plan on spending our summer working on the house, working at Mickey D’s (Natedogg), and visiting with family and of course relaxing trying to make babies.

June 10, 2010
14 DPO – so I am not exactly late but I have never gone this long without a temperature drop and spotting. I am trying very hard not to get my hopes up since I took a cheapie hpt yesterday and of course it was negative. I decided to give my cousin Sherrie and call and send her a picture of my chart to see what she thinks. Sherrie said my chart looked really good, of course this does nothing for not getting my hopes up. She told me to get First Response hpt with the two pink lines and take it with first morning urine. So I would have to wait until tomorrow morning. I am not good with waiting. I picked up the test at the grocery store and a bottle of water. I know that this isn’t the best way to do the test in the middle of the day and just after drinking water, but oh well. There was three test in the box and I can take another one tomorrow if my temp is still up and my period hasn’t shown up yet.

So I get home, let the dogs out, and go straight to the bathroom. Nathan was asleep because he had worked the night before, so I could do this without him noticing and suffer in silence with the negative that was surely to appear.

I took the test and after about 20 seconds the indicator line began to show…disappointment…but the test does say wait 3 minutes, so I leave it on the window sill and go down stairs to let the dogs in and try to avoid looking at the stick until the 3 minutes are up.

I go back up stairs pick up the stick and…wait is that another pink line, NO WAY I must be seeing things…I begin to shake and cry….”NATHAN!!” He jumps out of bed probably because of my blood curdling scream… “Do you see it? I think I see it is there 2 lines?” “Yes it is there”…. lots of hugging and crying and can’t believe its… WOW I didn’t think I would ever have the opportunity to see those 2 pink lines. Words can not express my feelings. I am beyond excited, thrilled.

Had to call Sherrie and of course send her a pic of the stick. I could not believe it. I called my Dr because he told me to call as soon as I am late or get a +hpt because of me being high-risk. The nurse asked if I could come in for bloodwork that afternoon…of course.

June 11, 2010

Bloodwork came back Beta 79, Progestrone 31. Any beta over 10 is considered pregnant and the dr said he likes to see progesterone over 11 to show that the uterus is responding the way it should. No sex, Stay out of the sun, Stay off your feet, Relax. (no more ripping up flooring) I have to go in for blood work next Thursday to see if my beta is doubling and my progesterone is increasing. But yes I am pregnant.

We have decided to tell my parents on Saturday night when my mom gets home. I am going to make 2 scrapbook pages that say Mom-Mom & Me and Pap-Pap & Me, plus pick up 2 grandma/grandpa bibs. We are thinking about waiting until Mom and Dad Gough come out in July to tell them so we can see their reactions, but we may not be able to wait that long. We are probably going to tell our brothers and sisters…we aren’t good at keeping secrets. I know that it is way early, however if something does happed these people are our support so we want them to know what is going on.

Symptoms: very sore and tender breast, tired, and a little queasy

June 12, 2010

Nathan took his Praxis test this morning for Social Studies. He has been studying so hard and working so hard in school. I am crossing my fingers that he only has to take this one time and be done with it. The test was in Hagerstown so I decided to go to my brothers and see the babies and perhaps spill the beans.

“So I have a secret.” “You are preggers?” says Chris… “We knew it.” says Amy… “How did you know?” “Mom and dad can’t really keep a secret.” “They don’t know…we just found out. Why would you think they know?” “Well mom picked up maternity clothes and baby outfits at a yard sale.” “Nope they don’t know.”

Got the cutest bibs and onesie at Carter’s while I was waiting for Nate to finish his testing. Weird to be buying baby things for me and not for other people.

When we got home from Hagerstown we headed to mom and dad’s for grilling out and of course letting them know the big news. We were sitting out on the patio and I said… “Oh mom I have something I want to show you…let me go get it. I have been working on some scrapbooking. (nothing unusual) I opened to pages in front of mom and dad they looked at it. Took a few seconds…than mom jumped up.. “You are having a baby!” more tears and hugging. Dad was a little taken back. I know he worries about our current situation, with Nathan in school and working on the house. But I know he is happy to have another grandbaby on the way.

Symptoms: sore and tender breast, tired, a bit more hungry (I think), soreness in my hips, trouble sleeping (probably just too much thinking)

June 17

More bloodwork. Repeat Beta and P4 levels to measure progress.

June 18

I called the Dr’s office to get the results of the bloodwork. Labcorp said that the office has the results in their system in the morning. I called at 1pm and was told that the Dr was in surgery but she told me that my Beta was 320 and P4 was 9.8. Automatically my chest got tight. I knew that my beta levels did not increase the way they should and my progesterone level had decreased by 2/3rds. My mind started racing. I called the nurse back to ask if the p4 drop was a concern and she said no that it should go back up. I just felt that something wasn’t right. I could feel all the “symptoms” of pregnancy starting to slip away and of course my stress level going up.

June 23

Things still feeling off. Nathan and I headed to bed at around 10pm, I had some cramping and just did not feel good at all. At around midnight I woke up and had to go to the bathroom and that is when I saw the blood. I heart stopped. I started to yell to get Nathan up and I started to cry. We didn’t know what to do. I started to throw up. I have never been this upset. We have been wanting to be pregnant for so long and I could not believe this was happening to us. I started to yell about all the rotten parents out there and the women who don’t take care of their selves and have babies. Of course living in an area of low socioeconomic communities I see young, poor girls everyday that get pregnant and have babies and here we were unable to keep ours. I called my mom to ask what we should do and she said that we should head to the ER. So that is what we did…

It was a terrible night. The ER dr was awesome. He was very straight forward and stated the facts of the situation while being very sensitive to the situation. He spoke to us as educated adults which doesn’t always happen in this area when you go to the doctors. He said that we were threatening a miscarriage. The hospital took my betas again and it had dropped to 312. I also had a sonogram and it only showed a small sack. I should have been 6 weeks and if it was a healthy baby we would have seen a heartbeat.

June 24

Saw my gyn today and more bloodwork and another sonogram. He never said miscarriage and still seemed to hold on hope that the sac would grow. I knew in my heart that it was over. I was not happy with the way things were handled by my dr. I spent the next 2 days at my mom and dad’s house hanging out on the couch and working on a baby quilt for some friends. The quilt was actually very therapeutic. The friends that were having the baby were going to be excellent parents and this was comforting that a couple that would love and take care of their child was having a baby.

I am glad that I had such a wonderful and supportive family and that I had told those close to us that I was pregnant, because when we had to tell them about the miscarriage we had their support which was so comforting. I am very thankful for my faith and knowledge that everything happens for a reason. The scientist in me knows that when there are things wrong with cells they will die and that your body takes care of itself as best it can. The Christian in me held very tight to the belief that God has a plan even though he doesn’t make the plan known to us. I did struggle with jealousy and just plain meanness to those who had babies and we not taking care of them or taking care of themshelves.

I was able to miscarry naturally which I am thankful for. I did not want to go in for a D&C.

June 26

Another dr’s appt for a sonogram and bloodwork to confirm that there was nothing left and my beta levels were going down. The dr told us to wait for 3 cycles however we decided to just take it easy on the baby making and see what God’s plan is.

Summer 2010

Not a good start to the summer and my emotions about our situation was all over the place. I am an emotional eater and I gave myself free range on eating, which was not good for health or my stress. I also stopped running and managed to gain back the weight I had lost before I got pregnant. We didn’t get as much done on our house like we would have liked. It was just a weird kind of summer.

Fall 2010

Back to school and being completely overwhelmed with school and work. Nathan was still at McDonald’s and completed his first semester of student teaching. Nathan has also been working on his capstone paper for social studies. I was immersing myself in my practicum for administration and supervision in order to complete my Administration and supervision endorsement in December. We know that we will be very tired and stressed over the next school year, however the light at the tunnel is starting to show and Nathan and I are very much looking forward to the end of this journey we have been on.

NOW February 19, 2011

It has been a while since I have sat down to write an entry into my blog aka communication with Mom Gough and the few others that want to read. Nathan and I have been very busy with school and work so this has been keeping up hopping.

Where are we on our fertility journey? December 2010 was our first medicated cycle with clomid. This cycle was to create a base line for the medication. I was kind of hoping for a miracle that the first medicated cycle would work. Eventhough I had a good response 8 follicles in the left ovary and unknown in the right. I did not get pregnant. January 2011 cycle was unmedicated but monitored which meant lots of bloodwork and sonograms. The blood people know me by name and they are also hoping for a pregnancy soon. Without medication my cycles are very long which may be affecting my chances of getting pregnant. Today is the first day of our second round of clomid (fertility medication) and this cycle we will be doing our first IUI (intrauterine insemination). Clomid is a 5 days cycle. I will be having bloodwork on Monday February 28 and if everything working the way the dr thinks it will be we will be doing insemination on Tuesday March 1st. I am very excited about this. I am glad that we are doing something to get this going. I know that this may just lead to more disappointment however I am praying that our time is soon. I know I shouldn’t count my chickens, however if this cycle would work we would be due on Thanksgiving Day…what a blessing and anyone that knows me knows that Thanksgiving is the start of my favorite time of year. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment but I just can’t help but to think ahead, that is just the way that I am. The success of clomid and IUI will be seen within 3 cycles.

Everything else

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter, however we are on a bumpy track right now. Nathan is still working on his paper that we are getting done this weekend and turning in on Monday. He has been very stressed lately about school work, student teaching, and testing. On a great note Nathan has passed the Social Studies content knowledge test, the special education content test, and just has one more test the pedagogy test that he will be taking March 12. We have started to get prepared for this test. I was able to finish my administration and supervision endorsement in the fall. I am just waiting for Maryland State Board of Education to issue my new certification. I am currently taking 3 courses…School Finance at Frostburg State and 2 teaching technology classes online through Marshall. After these classes I will be at Masters + 45 status which is the next pay level up and the last one until doctorate. After this semester will be concentrating on the School Leadership test which I will take in the fall. This test is required to be a principal, but I am able to be an assistant principal which is my goal for the fall.

I have started to submit applications for a new job in several counties and Nathan and I plan to attend at least 2 teacher job fairs.

We had a touch of spring for the past couple of days but expecting the cold weather back and perhaps some snow/wintery mix on Tuesday. I cant wait until spring and especially can’t wait for this summer, whatever this summer will bring.

Relaxing

2010-06-14T06:09:00.000-04:00

On our way, again

2010-05-01T07:46:00.003-04:00

It has been quite a while since I have updated my blog. A lot has been going on as we come to end of the school year and head into a busy summer.

Nathan and I have 1 more week of classes at school and then onto finals week. Nathan is definitely ready for this semester to be over and done with. I have a project presentation this coming week on cyberbullying in my school law class and the final the following week. This is my last actual course for my administration and supervision certification. I will be starting my internship this summer, working with my current principals. I have to get 360 hours over the course of this coming year, as well as complete a portfolio of my internship, so I will be busy, but this isn't anything new. I will also be during some workshops this summer. One on technology in the classroom and one that with GIS stream mapping which I will be implementing the software in the classroom. I am debating studying to add chemistry onto my certification endorsements so that when we try to get into the Maryland or Virginia system I will be more marketable. I am still undecided if I want to go into administration right away and it may be difficult to get an administration job when I have not been in the Maryland system. Plus it would be nice to have our summers and holidays off together to travel while our kids are young. Have to weigh all the pros and cons, and even though the money would be more, time together with family may outweigh that for now.

Nathan will be entering the classroom starting in the fall. He has 2 courses he will be taking one in coaching and one in education. He will be in the classroom for 6 weeks in the fall and then full time (15 weeks) in the spring. He is hoping to be placed at my school so that we can drive together and have the same hours and holidays. I know he is looking forward to being in the classroom. Nathan is very passionate in everything he does and his teaching isn't going to be any different.

We are back on track for trying to conceive. I finally got my period April 8th after 9 loopy lupron months. My cramping was still very bad, even though the medication was suppose to decrease the endometriosis and shrink the tumors. I have decided that I will not go through the treatment again in the future. It is only one day of pain so I just soak in a hot bubble bath and take lots of advil. Nathan is always helpful with back and leg rubs. I know that he feels pretty helpless when I am in pain, but there is nothing anyone can do and end the end if I can get pregnant it will be well worth it. I have been charting again and my body has gotten back on track really quickly. I have a dr's appointment June 7th so we are going to try naturally until then and see where that gets us. I have read information that clomid and intrauterine insemination often works with women that have endo so we may have to go that route. This would work in 3 to 4 cycles if it works at all. That is as far as we are going to go with fertility assistance. If it doesn't work we Nathan starts teaching we are going to start puttting money away for adoption, however we are not going to prevent pregnancy. I am not going to take birth control pills which they say can help the endo pain and I am definitely not having a hysterectomy where I will be on hormones for the rest of my life. 24 hrs of pain isn't that bad.

Still hot, but thinner

2010-02-21T09:01:00.002-05:00

On my way to getting healthier and getting my body back. Today is day 51 of journaling in weightwatchers. I have lost 11.4lbs since January 1 and I was able to run 4.35 miles in 45min. So I am slowly getting back to where I would like to be. I know that it is going to take some time. It took me 3 years to gain the weight, hopefully it won't take me that long to get rid of it. I am signing up for a half marathon in June and will be starting long runs in March. I am hoping to get outside to do the long runs and that we don't get anymore snow. The sun is shining today however we are suppose to get a storm tomorrow, but it may just be rain depending on the temperature.

As far as fertility is concern...I am still getting hot flashes and what I like to call mini aniexty attacks. Friday was 23 weeks after my second shot and it is suppose to be out of your system by 24 weeks...I don't think that is going to be the case for me. Night sweats, hot flashes, and insomnia are still an issue. I am sleeping better since I started running, so that is a good motivating factor. I have starting reading a book called Conquering Infertility and it has a great section on stress relieving exercises. We I have trouble falling asleep or wake up in all crazy in the middle of the nite I slow myself down and do one of the exercises. The authors made an excellent metaphor about stress and your body. Think of a deer running in front of you when you are driving and all the things your body does to respond to this "fright". When you are under stress that does not go away aka infertility...you do not give your body a chance to return to a calm state. It is as if a deer is running in front of you over and over again. This can do crazy things to your body including lowering your immune defenses, and putting undo stress on your body which can effect fertility. So I am trying to use the mind/body techniques throughout the day and at night when I feel my anxiety and stress start to take over.

I am planning on calling my doctor in the beginning of March if my cycle still hasn't returned. When I started the medication he said March...so hopefully that is the case.

I am taking a School Law class and learning a lot from it. Nathan is doing well in school, has signed up for the Praxis in social studies, and is starting to get things together for student teaching.

As with everything our life is busy and I can't beleive that it is going to be March soon. I am looking forward to spring and to my first summer not working.

New Year New You

2010-01-08T10:41:00.002-05:00

So I am now on my 8th day of truthfully journaling on weight watchers. I say truthfully because I have done ww in the past however I have been lying to myself about what I have been eating and needless to say it did not work. So this time I am taking some steps to make it work. I have been using etools which has message boards and a plan manager. I am on the 100 Days of Journaling challenge message board. Every morning I go on and post a message...today I am on day 8 of 100. Believe if or not I already feel better. I have been sleeping better...less hot flashes...less stomach issues...more energy and it has only been one week.

Last night Nate and I set up our Christmas present...treadmill. They should tell you that the first workout you will complete on your treadmill is putting it together. It took us about 2 hours. But it is together and I am looking forward to going home today after school and starting my running program...well jogging for now. I am pretty much starting over. I am at the highest weight I have been in 15 years and the worse shape. Just not healthy. I am doing something about it.

We got our dining room and stairwell painted over the Christmas break. We had to repair the ceiling because of water damage. I is so nice to be making progress on the house.

Our puppy dog Jackson is going to the vet today, because he hurt his left hind leg. It is very swollen and he has been limping. Nathan is taking him and he said in just that he will return with him no matter what. I didn't think that was so funny. Nathan always says that he wouldn't spend a lot of money to get a dog treatment...well he may not but I will. We have had lots of snow and ice lately and Jackson must of slipped and pulled something or perhaps fractured his leg. He isn't wincing but he is having trouble walking down the stairs and getting up in the morning. When you take charge of a life, even a dogs' life, you have to take care of it even if it does cost you money.

Nothing new on the fertility front...just waiting until my body decides that it wants to be back to "normal". I am actually looking forward to getting my period. I want my body to feel like a woman again...lol.

About time

2009-12-27T07:42:00.003-05:00

I decided to sit down this morning and update my blog, that I have been neglecting for a while. I would say it is because of time, but that is an awful excuse to use that I have been using for a lot of things lately including the state of our house, the state of my body, and the state of my classroom. At least the state of my marriage is going great...Nathan and I have a way of wasting time together. But I love cuddling on the couch with my Natedogg, except it would be nice to cuddle on the couch in a clean, renovated house, with a healthy body and not worrying about all the grading and things I have to do at school. So in order to be in a better place, I have decided to start my New Years Resolution a little early...the great majority of the cookies are out of the house so that is one step closer to a healthy body. We are working on the dining room over break. That is our Christmas gift to each other. So there is one step closer to a house that is not a renovation zone. Laundry is washing and the kitchen is clean so there is one step closer to a clean house.

I am excited about starting a new year. It has been 27 weeks since I got my first lupron shot so it should be wearing off in the next 2 months...I hope so. It seems to be cycling through because some days I will be hot flash free and sleep through the night, other days, like the last week I am still waking up sweating and hot as hell. It is a suffocating heat...now I can empathsize with all women going through menopause...it is an awful feeling. I have been very emotional lately also so that leads me to believe that my hormones are trying to get started up again. Funny how I spent a year wishing that I would not get my period, and now I can't wait until it starts again, so we officially start trying again and get on with whatever is going to happen.

It does seem that everyone around me is having babies. My siser-in-law is pregnant with twins. I am very excited about being an aunt again. She seems to be very cautious about what she says about being pregnant around me which is empathic of her and my brother. I am envious of their situation,but I am more happy for them. On the other hand, a teacher at work is pregnant and often uses the line "you just need to relax and it will happen" That line just makes me want to scream. No matter how much I relax...it may not happen. I have a disease that causes infertility, so no..no matter how much I relax it may not happen. So when I came home last week from school I was in a poopy mood. It is hard to listen to pregnancy talk all day from someone who is not in a healthly relationship and oh it just happened. I am really trying to be happy for her, however she has a lot of struggles ahead of her and I hope and pray that things work out for the best for her and her child.

One of our friends is also expecting. I am excited about also, because they are such great people and will be awesome parents. They are a bit unconventional and I can't wait to watch them raise their children, it will be awesome.

We have been talking about adoption, but I know that if I am unable to get pregnant it will be hard to get through it, until I am actually holding our child in my arms, rather I give birth to a baby or not.

We broke down and brought a treadmill. Not a fancy one, but one we could afford from Sears. We knew that either I had to join the gym again which is 25 miles away or something. So we did a little number crunching and with the deal we got from Sears it would be less expensive to buy a treadmill even if it only last a year than it would be to get the gym membership that I would have to drive 50 miles round trip too. I really don't know why I have never bought one. During my marathon training, the treadmill at the gym has always been the main reason I went to the gym. I am very excited about running again and getting in shape. I know that changing my eating habits is necessary also. I eat better and feel better when I am exercising. Everything should start clicking again when I can start running again. Hard to run outside with 2 feet of snow and ice on the roads and sidewalks. Treadmill is suppose to be here Jan. 7th...I can't wait.

Today I am going to head to Lowe's to get some more plaster and paint for our dining room table. Then, to work on the dining room and tonite I am going to do some scrap-booking. Amy and I did some cricuting yesterday...it was nice doing something with her. Hopefully in the future we will live closer to each other and then be able to grow closer in our relationship.

Been a while

2009-10-28T08:49:00.003-04:00

I know that it has been a while since I have updated so I am going to take a little time today.

As far as fertility stuff...my doctor called yesterday and we have set up an appointment for my Hysterosonogram for November 6th. This will allow the doctor to see if there is any blockage in my fallopian tubes. I have heard that many women get pregnant within several cycles after this procedure because they think that the dye may clean out the tubes a little. I am still bothered by hot flashes from my lupron therapy...they are not as frequent now however when they hit they are almost suffocating with lots of sweating. I am sleeping better, but not completely through the night yet. Restless sleep has made me very tired during the day. I feel good until about 2pm then the tired wall hits. I am hoping that by Christmas my body will get back on track and we can TTC with actually hopes of it working. We have been talking a lot about all of our options if things don't work out the way we hope...We are not going to go as far as in-vitro because of the cost and the disappointment of it not working. We have decided that if I am not pregnant within the next year and a half we will start putting our money away for adoption. We are thinking about international adoption.

Nathan and I have been very busy with work and school and we are looking forward to the trip to Mexico where we can spend some much needed time relaxing and hanging with family. Nathan has been missing his family like crazy lately being very overwhelmed with school and working full-time. He has 6 more weeks of school which I hope fly by and then he can have a break over the holidays. I have found out that I am only 1 course and 6 credits of practical experience away from being able to get certified in administration and supervision. My requirements will be complete spring 2011 the same time Nathan graduates and gets his teaching certification. I am going to apply to assistant principal jobs down state (because that is where the money is and where the jobs are). If I get a job we will be moving in that direction summer 2011 if not then we will probably stay up here in the mountains as long as Nathan can get a teaching job, which I think is a good chance especially being a male in special education, and save some money and keep applying to admin jobs down state. Either way will be able to pay down some debt and save some money for our "forever home".

Our house is still in the renovation process. We were hoping that we would be flooring ready by December but that is not going to happen. I work on the house when I can. It seems like we never get anything done but little things are adding up and before pictures really show the work we have done, even though we only seem to focus on the work that we have yet to do.

I am looking forward to the holidays...this is my favorite time of year. My dad and I are going to get the decorations out this weekend because they are in the Holiday open house and because he doesn't want to freeze his hands off putting up lights in late November. My niece is coming up this weekend to trick or treat for the first time and i am very excited she is such a little sweetheart. My sister-in-law is expecting twins and I am kind of hoping for two boys so that Chloe can be the big sister and the only daddy's girl, but knowing the amount of girls in my sil's family who knows.

I have made the decision to go back to weightwatchers. I start this Saturday at the meeting in Cumberland. I have been trying to lose weight on my own, however I just can't seem to do it. The only time I lost weight in a healthy way was when I was in weightwatchers before and attended meetings. I was using the excuse of cost, however it was just an excuse because the cost we will save in food and the need for new "fat girl" clothes from me doing weightwatchers is probably greater then the cost of meetings...in fact I know that it is. I have new running shoes and I have been trying to get out and run, but it has been raining like crazy. I am going to see if I can take the YOGA classes at the Y that are offered after the ww meetings on Saturday mornings so it would be very convenient.

Half way done and we have a plan

2009-09-17T09:55:00.003-04:00

I haven't been blogging in a while, so I decided I needed to come and update everyone. I will start with my lupron and onto what is happening in the other parts of our lives.

This past Monday I received my second and last lupron shot. I was very hesitate about the shot again with the side effects I have been experiencing, but I decided that I needed to finish out this therapy so that we can move on to having children. The hot flashes have not subsided, but for now I have been sleeping a little better with only waking up to hot flashes and then I am able to get back to sleep. I have a feeling that this will not be the case in a few weeks, but until then I am trying to get as much sleep as possible. I am glad to be on the downhill of this medicine and I asked my gyn what the next plan was and he said scheduled me for a HSG in 2.5months to make sure my tubes were clear and blood work in 3.5 months to test for Follicle stimulating hormone to make sure that my ovaries are getting back on track. He said that he wants me pregnant within 6 to 9 months from today (meaning Monday).

Pretty much miserable

2009-08-12T05:50:00.000-04:00

I have officially been on lupron for 2 months now. For the last six weeks I have had terrible hot flashes which has lead to insomnia and I have been pretty miserable. I sleep for about 3 to 4 hours and then I am up every 30 minutes...on fire. The routine is that I have a hot flash which wakes me up, I cool down, I get chills because of the sweating and then I pull the blanket back on me and try to relax my way back to sleep and then the cycle starts over again. It is now 6am and I am awake not because I am really awake, but because I am tired of fighting sleeping.

The new drugs that my doctor prescribed did not help the problem and they actually added on a new side effect of headaches. When I take the medicine I deal with not only being hot but I have to endure a headache most of the night. I gave the medicine one week and I can not deal with the extra side effects since the sleeping has not gotten better.

On a good note...I have been getting into scrapbooking. I am almost done adding pictures to my wedding scrapbook and I have completed a scrapbook for a friend. I am working on another scrap book for a friend that is getting married. My parents got me a cricut cutter as an early birthday gift...and it is awesome. I am finding that once you start with the basic things you want to be able to do more and more means more money. The cricut is a cool machine, however it is an expensive toy. I am thinking of starting to make cards and maybe selling them at this local arts and crafts place where my mom has her quilts. Even at $1 a piece I would be making a little money and I would be able to put it toward more stuff for my scrapbooking.

Today our neice for Colorado is coming to visit for the week and we are very excited about having her. She is 9 and has never been in the northeast, so we have a lot of things planned. I am hoping to be able to stay in DC after we pick her up from the airport, but if it is sweltering hot then we are just going to head back up the mountains. The heat makes for a miserable day in DC.

Sweating...

2009-08-05T05:54:00.003-04:00

Lupron Week 6... I actually got some sleep when I was on vacation at the beach last week. I think a combination of a/c and alcohol allowed me to sleep through most of the hot flashes and sweats. Too bad we had to come back home. The kicker is it isn't even that hot at nite at home, however our bedroom is a sauna. So last night was a terrible nite for sleeping. I got in bed early so that I could read and I sipped on a glass of sleepy time tea with ice in it of course. I started drifting off around 9:30pm so I decided to turn the light off and get some sleep. Well that didn't last long. The first time I looked at my watch it was 12:30am...and of course I am drenched in sweat and burning up from the inside out. Since I was wide awake and en fuego I decided to go downstairs and watch a little TV until I could fall asleep again...stepping out of the bedroom there is quite a temperature drop and as I was walking down the stairs I could feel the cool air. So the living room is way cooler...I opened out another window and there is actually a breeze. So I laid on the couch and watched some TV...The Nanny has become my show of choice in the wee hours of the morning. Around 2am I think that I can go up to our bedroom. That didn't last long it was way hot or I was way hot and the dogs were incredibly smelly, who knows what Jackson got in to, so I went back downstairs and got a small bowl of cereal and laid back down on the sofa. Finally sometime around 3am I fell asleep. Woke up for good around 5:30am...sweating of course.

I may have to give my doctor a call because I know that once school starts I have to be on my toes. Getting little sleep is not going to cut it. I would hate to break down in my classroom because I am tired and emotional.

I started running again on Sunday. It is quite the struggle, but at least I am getting out there. Nathan has been running with me when he isn't at work. He is being very patient about the slow pace and sometimes having to walk. I am taking this losing weight and getting back into shape thing one day at a time and so far that past 2 days haven't been that bad. I am taking recipes from Julian Michaels' book. There are some good ones and some that we can't get the ingredients. I am switched back to my 1 cup of cereal in the morning with fruit instead of competing with Nathan with eggs and pancakes. I really want to loose some weight for Mexico in November. I got a really cool new swimsuit at the beach because it was really on sale and I want it to look good and well fit in Playa del Carmen. The amount of weight that I have gained in the last year is out of control. I use to be able to consider myself healthy and in shape and I have let all that go. So one day at a time, it took me a year to get this way and I have to get it through my head that it is going to take at least that long to get back to where I would like to be. I planning on running the Shamrock Marathon in March 2010, so I have to get my mileage up to 25 miles a week before I can start the training.

Work on the house has been going well. We are know trying to get the master bathroom complete. It has had some kinks along the way. I finally thought we were getting somewhere and the paint on the ceiling started peeling, just along the edges. Once we started trying to fix that, it started coming off in sheets. So we are removing the paint off the entire ceiling and we are going to have to prime and paint without harming the countertop and walls so this is going to be a slow careful project.

2009-07-14T08:38:00.001-04:00

En Fuego = Insomnia

2009-07-14T06:40:00.002-04:00

Loopy Lupron Day 22

Sometimes it is hard to tell if I am having side effects or if these things have always been and I am just noticing them more. The one time of day that I can tell I am having side effects is at night. I am normally a good sleeper at nite, even in the summer when it is hot and we don't have ac. However, for about a week now I have been having night sweats and waking up. All I can say about hot flashes is it feels like your body goes from normal to on fire instantly. Also with this heating up comes sweating. So I have been waking up hot and soaking wet. I am not waking up groggy, I am actually wide awake when this happens. On Friday nite I woke up at 2:30am hot, wet, and wide awake. It seemed no matter how much I tried to cool down, I felt like our room was a sauna. I decided that I had to get up, so I went down stairs with my pillow, my book, and turned on the tv. By 3:30am I was cooled off and ready to go back to bed. I managed to sleep until 5ish until another hot flash woke me up, luckily this was short lived so I fell back asleep until 7am. This has been happening for about a week and I hope that I don't have to go 6 months like this. I haven't felt tired during the day, but I know that evidently fatigue will catch up. Now it is ok to be a little tired but when I am working it may be rough, middle school students are not that forgiving nor understanding. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Nathan started his new job last Wednesday and so far so good. He seems to like it. Nathan says time goes fast, so that is good. He hasn't had to work any over nites so that is so much better than his last job. They said that he will probably only work 1 to 2 over nites a week so that is good for when he starts school and it is also good for his well-being. His new schedule has allowed us to work on the house and actually start getting things done. We have stained and installed our bar cabinet and hardy backer for the tiling. I have created a mosaic tile design and I am now working on getting the design laid and then we can set in the sink. Our next step for the family room is going to be hanging the tv and shelving and moving in the furniture. Our goal is to have that done today.

Camping Trip #1

2009-06-28T13:28:00.003-04:00

Had a great weekend with my brother and cousins' families camping. Kind of nervous about the little ones but everyone had a great time. The kids slept through the nite, probably better than the adults. Funny had little bodies can sleep just about any where. Great weather for camping. Hot dogs and smores over the campfire and we were able to spend the day on the beach by the lake going swimming and playing bean bag toss. Could not have been a better camping weekend.

Lupron Day 6 - So far so good. I haven't had any major side effects. I have had a few anxious/out of it episodes, but it hasn't been that bad. As long as I get good sleep, I feel fine. I have had a few cramps in my legs almost felt like they do before I get my period, but they went away. I am hoping that the first week is a good indicator of how the next 6 months are going to go.

Loopy Lupron Day 1

2009-06-22T18:44:00.008-04:00

So today I go into menopause. I think my dr. would say..."it isn't menopause we are just lowering your estrogen to the level of menopause"...and I would say..."So what is the difference????" The injection was given in my left hip. So far nothing that I can feel...which is good. Hope that it stays that way for the next 6 months. The injection is time release shot for 3 months and then I have another one September 14th. Doesn't seem like that is 3 months from now but I guess it is 12 weeks from today.

The doctor also did a bone density test today and my bone density is very good. Which is good because one of the side effects of lupron is lowering of bone density, but since mine is very good to begin with lowering it should not be too drastic.

I came home and took a nap. The stress of starting this whole process is tiring. When I woke up Nathan and I went for a walk with the dogs. I haven't been able to do much since the surgery, but I felt like I wanted to get out and walk and I am glad that i did. We walked the dogs slowly but surely down to the park and around the walking track and let them get in the river to cool off. We ended up walking for 1.5 hours, which may be a little much. I am hoping it will help me sleep better and it is the first step, even though a baby step, to training for a marathon. I am starting my training on July 22 which is 6 weeks after my surgery...I am actually looking forward to it.

More than I thought

2009-06-20T08:50:00.003-04:00

The more women I talk to, the less scary this whole process becomes. I am still sad about having to wait a year to ttc but I know that this may be what I need to get things healthy and be able to conceive when the therapy is over. The women that I have talked to say the worst part is the hot flashes and mood changes. I can deal with that if it means that we will have a better chance at having a child. I have spoken to 4 women that have been on the therapy and they all said the benefits out way the side effects...and you just have to keep thinking about the reason you are doing this...to bring a new life into this world.

I got my bloodwork done yesterday...progesterone, estrodial, and hcg. I picked up the lupron injection on Thursday, it is the 3 month injection 11.25mg. I am kind of nervous about having the 3 month because the drug will be in my system for 3 months and not month to month. I wish I would have known about the month to month when I was in the dr's office so I could have asked about it. Since this shot is $1700.00 I don't think my insurance will allow me to change my mind now. I will just have to be vigilant about my symptoms so they don't reach anything severe.

I have also started my vitamin D booster. Took the first one on Thursday and I am taking calcium and pre-natals...so if my levels don't go up I there most be something crazy wrong.

I have decided I am going to train for the Shamrock Marathon that will be March 2010. Part of this getting my health in order is going to include getting my fitness back. I think the running will keep my spirits up also, runner's high might be able to counteract the lows of the therapy. I have to wait 6 weeks from the time of my surgery to start running again so the training will start July 22. I am going to make a training schedule and I might be able to convince a friend to join me. My brother has already signed up for the marathon so it will be a family affair at least.

I am going to work on my chair today that I am re-doing with the help of my mom and Nathan. About a year again a neighbor that is redoing there old home put two old chairs out on their porch and I asked if they were trying to get rid of them and they said yes...so I took them. I tore apart the chairs down to their wood skeletons when I got the chairs and they have been sitting on our side porch since then. Well my mom and I finally decided to get them done and we are on our way.

Prognosis IF

2009-06-18T08:43:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was the post surgery appointment with my gyn. I was anxious about the appointment and really wanted to know what he had found, what he did during the surgery, and the plan for getting us pregnant.

I first went back into the office by myself because we weren't sure what was going to be done and Nathan wasn't sure if he wanted to be there if there was anything gyn-like. The nurse had me remove the tape over the incisions, which included one through my belly button and two very small ones just below the bikini line. The dr came in and looked over my incisions and said everything looked fine and just not to pick or prod on them...not a problem, I want them to heal.

The dr then had the nurse go out and get Nathan and I am sure glad they did. The doctor first went through all the pictures of the surgery from the video that was taken through my belly and in my uterus. I got to see my stomach, liver, pancreas, intestine large and small. In those pics he showed us the outside of my uterus and both ovaries. Endometrial tissue was on the outside of my uterus and both ovaries. He was able to laser off the scarred tissue. He also showed me the mass that was over my right ovary. The mass was a fibroid tumor about 3x the size of my ovary. The tumor was resting on my right ovary, so they removed the tumor and extracted it through my belly button. Nathan and I were really surprised about the size of the tumor. He then showed inside the uterus where there were 3 other fibroid tumors. These tumor were in the uterus and were not blocking the cervix, womb, or fallopian tubes so he did not remove them. He also removed some endometriosis in the uterus.

My vitamin D bloodwork showed a level of 16...normal is 32 to 100...50 is good. So I am very low. Vitamin D deficiency is linked to infertility and endometriosis.

So what does this all mean...well the dr prescribe vitamin D boosters for 10 weeks that will hopefully get my levels where they should be. I also have to take calcium supplements and continue with my prenatal vitamins. The dr also wants to do a round of Lupron Depot Therapy. This drug is prescribed to lower estrogen levels to premenopausal state to shrink fibroids and endometriosis. Endometriosis and fibroids are in essence fed by estrogen. This is a 6 month therapy with 3 injections. At this time I will not be able to conceive and will possibly stop having my period. After the therapy the body takes between 1 to 3 months to get back on cycle. The side effects of this therapy are hot flashes, mood swings, depression, loss of sex drive, vaginal dryness...in general as if you are going through a rough menopause. I have read other symptoms but those are the ones that are on the drug fact sheet.

This news was quite a shock and I was not prepared for it at all. I actually started crying right there in the dr's office. The thought of having to put off conceiving for another year is heartbreaking. I know that women have gone even longer, but I have so many what if's in my mind I don't even know where to start. I am unsure about the therapy but my dr put it this way...1 out of 3 women with endo are infertile, 2 out of 3 have miscarriages...if you do not do the therapy and do conceive and have a miscarriage you may look back and think why didn't I do the therapy when I knew that m/c was a possibility...also what if we do not do the therapy and try for another year and still do not conceive are we back to where we started with more endo coming back and even perhaps more fibroids or growing fibroids. But there is the flipside that gets me all upset...what if we don't do the therapy start ttc again and get pregnant and everything is fine...why can't we see into the future...I could go through this and still not conceive.

I was so upset last nite and it seemed that I couldn't find anything good about lupron on the internet...but I do realize that most people who post things on the web have bad experiences. I did not upset with Nathan because he seemed to be concerned about the low sex drive thing...I mean here I am being told I have fertility issues and Nathan was worried about having sex. I did express my concern to him and once he realized how upset this was making me he apologized. This is going to be the first hurdle in our married life that is going to go on just between the two of us. It isn't something you can plan for and you can't even plan for what the therapy may do.

Silver linings: Here are some silver linings for waiting a year before ttc:

Nathan will be done with school and have a full-time job by the time our little one is born
We can work on our house and get it done before bringing in a new life
I can get back into shape and get healthy and fit again before getting pregnant to be able to pass on a healthy life style

I am trying to grasp-on to the silver linings. I am still young enough that waiting a year will be ok. I am worried about the side effects of therapy and of course our ability to conceive. I am going to post my feelings and thoughts through this process in hopes that it will help someone else going through the same thing and of course help me.

Endo surgery

2009-06-18T08:16:00.002-04:00

The weather last nite reminded me of camping. It just seems that whenever we go camping it storms. Nathan was at work so I was huddled in bed with the dogs, Jackson and Cash. We are able to keep out windows open because we have old aluminum awnings that keep the rain out. They may be ugly but they at least serve a function.

So my surgery was on June 9, 2009. I was actually very excited about having the surgery...thinking that it was going to be a cleaning procedure so that we could get back to ttc and actually conceive. The procedure started at 7:30am and I was in post-op by 10:30, eating a rootbeer popsicle. I was worried about the anesthesia because I often experience nausa. The took me up to recovery and Nathan was there to meet me. The doctor had spoken to Nathan,, but he didn't catch everything that he said and the details were sketchy. We stayed in recovery until 2ish and then I was allowed to go home and thank goodness. The ride home was the worst part of the experience. I was extremely motion sick and just wanted to get home. I spent 3 days on the couch...Nathan was a big help. The pain wasn't nearly as bad as I had heard it could be. My doctor called on Wednesday and wanted me to go in and get blood work for vitamin D. My second attempt to give blood was on Friday morning, my dad drove me into Cumberland.

I was up and moving about by Friday with just moderate soreness and pain when I moved a certain way, sneezed, or coughed.

Virgin Blogger

2009-06-17T21:35:00.000-04:00

This is my first entry so lets see how this goes. I was sitting watch a Civil documentary today with my summer Upward Bound students and it actually made me want to start a blog. Why? Well because most of the information we have from our history is written accounts from regular people. Journals, diaries, and letters, that have opened the past up. So I want to stake my claim in history and write down my accounts of my life. This may not be as interesting as the Civil War, but it sure is getting more interesting by the moment and maybe my accounts will open eyes or hearts or who knows...

I also want to do this as a way to write an account of our journey from two to three or four or... well you get the picture. This process of trying to conceive (ttc) has been eye opening to say the least. I will venture into some background and get into more detail a little later...My husband (DH) and I got married September 6, 2008. We had been ttc since that July 2008 just kind of taking our chance and seeing what happened. By October 2008 since 3 cycles and no luck I decided to seek out some knowledge and commiseration. I found TheBump and fell way hard into TTC. I began charting basal body temperature and other fertility signs. 6 cycles go by and I have my annual gyn appointment. I had to switch doctors due to my old doctor leaving or losing her practice. I am not sure which one and I am not sure I want to know. One of my girlfriends recommended a gyn that was aggressive and had been very helpful for her so I decided to go with that dr.

My annual turned into one of the most stressful appointments I have even had. I was so overwhelmed when I left the appointment. So many questions that I didn't even know which ones to ask. My gyn had found by internal ultrasound 3 masses in my uterus and one either on or in my right ovary. He was also concerned with my severe cramps and our inability to conceive. So he scheduled a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, cytoscopy, and D&C. These procedures were to diagnose endometriosis and fibroid tumors. The surgery was scheduled for June 9, 2008.

The thunder and lightning is shutting me down for the nite...catcha later